Steve vs Coffee
by Bespectacled BriarRose
Summary: Steve Rogers doesn't drink coffee, mostly because it has almost no effect due to his metabolism. But his friends do, and they drink a LOT of it. Bear witness to Cap's struggles against his caffine deprived friends. AU, OOC. Rated T for swearing and future nudity, but no sex. (He will have to deal with Clint, Tony, and Bucky, so it only makes sense.)
1. Chapter 1

_I do not own Marvel or anything that I have mentioned that is familiar._

 **Steve**

The sun was shining brightly through his window, and Steve rolled over to try and hide. The scent of cider, vodka, and cordite on the pillow he shoved his face into reminded him of what happened last night. He groaned as the party at the club came back to him. He was thankful that he wasn't hungover, but he wasn't so sure about his missing bedmate. He turned his head and cracked an eye open. The glass and painkillers were missing from the bedside table, and the bathroom was dark, so he assumed she was either gone or in the kitchen. He rolled towards the edge of the bed, leaving the covers rumpled as he stood up and searched for a pair of pants. One leg of his boxers was bunched up, and he adjusted it before pulling on a pair of flannel lounge pants. He searched for a t-shirt for a moment before he smelled coffee and gave up. Scratching at his bare chest, he made his way into the kitchen to find a mussy-haired assassin wearing his t-shirt perched cross-legged on the counter, staring intently at the burbling coffee maker. His favorite coffee mug, which Sam had gotten custom for him for Christmas that read "On Your Left", was cradled in her lap like a small child.

"Hey Nat, how are you feeling? I see you found the painkillers I left you," he said, scratching at his chest as he went to the fridge. "How do eggs and toast sound? I think I have some of that rye bread still." She didn't respond, and Steve pulled his head out of the fridge to look at her. Her green eyes were intently focused on the percolating coffee, following each drip of the caffeinated beverage as it hit the surface. It was really freaking Steve out, if he was totally honest with himself. "Nat, you okay?"

She just grunted in response. His brow furrowed; this was very odd behavior. The redheaded spy was usually quite chipper in the morning, having to put up with random calls to action at insane hours, and sometimes going without sleep. So to see her so intently watching the coffee pot was slightly disturbing.

The coffee pot gurgled to a stop, and Natasha pounced. She poured her coffee and began to rummage through his cabinets. Steve shrugged and began to crack eggs into the bowl, adding a little milk and whisking.

"Sugar," she said, her voice helpless-sounding. "Sugar?"

"Um, what?"

"Sugar?!" she cried out, her voice breaking.

"I used the last of it when I made that pie for Bucky's birthday. I'm sorry, I haven't had time to run to the st-" said Steve, who was cut off midsentence as he ended up on the floor, covered in eggs, with a very angry Russian pressing a knife to his throat. She growled at him, her tangled red hair falling in a curtain around both of their faces. Steve was sure that if there wasn't a knife pressed against his jugular, he would probably be very turned on by the lithe body pressed against his.

"Sugar," she growled again.

"I don't have any, Nat, I'm sorry!" he said, trying to keep his voice calm through the fear that his teammate might actually kill him over a few teaspoons of sugar. Natasha growled again, closer to his face. Steve swallowed loudly and remained very, very still.

A few tense minutes – punctuated by Natasha growling "Sugar" menacingly in his face – later, someone knocked on Steve's door. "Hello? Nat? Steve? I came to check on you two at Darcy's behest. She said something about Nat being super drunk?"

"Clint! Pick the damn lock and get your purple-clad ass in here!" yelped Steve as Natasha pressed the knife harder against his skin. There was a jiggling sound from the door handle, and muffled swearing.

"You okay guys?" asked the archer, skidding into the kitchen. He gaped at the two figures tangled up on the floor.

"Don't just stand there, get some fuCKING SUGAR SO YOUR BEST FRIEND DOESN'T KILL ME!" yelped Steve. Natasha just glared down at him.

"You had her spend the night after heavy drinking and don't have any sugar in the house? Do you _have_ a death wish, Rogers?" asked Clint, opening a cabinet over the fridge and rummaging around. There was a clicking noise, and Clint pulled out a box of little sugar packets.

"Where the fuck did you get that?" asked Steve as Natasha rolled off of him and swiped the sugar from Clint's hand.

"I installed secret compartments in all of the rooms with coffee makers. Nat loves her coffee on her days off. She won't even speak before she has her first cuppa," replied Clint, leaning down to help Steve up. "You might want to go shower, Steve-o. You've got egg right _there_." Clint gestured widely to Steve's whole body, and the soldier rolled his eyes in return.

"Thanks for the save, Clint," he said, clapping his teammate on the shoulder. "I just wish you had told me that _before_ I had a knife at my throat." Clint just grinned and shoved him toward the bathroom to shower. Steve glanced back at Natasha, who blinked her vibrant green eyes at him over the rim of her coffee mug. He smiled softly at her, and the tops of her cheekbones darkened with a blush. He grinned more cockily and strolled off to shower, laughing when a sugar packet hit him in the back of the head.

 _A/N—Hi! I know it's been awhile… Sorry. As a coffee addict, I thought it would be funny for the Super Soldier with the crazy metabolism to experience each of his teammates/housemates when they're deprived of their coffee. I really hope you enjoy! Let me know what other fics and things you want to see, alright? I'm going to try and write more this semester, promise! All my love- Rose_


	2. Chapter 2

_I do not own Marvel or anything familiar._

 **Steve**

Steve was walking through the lab levels of Stark tower, searching for the correct lab. Darcy had said that they were putting the finishing touches on their Einstein flower bridge that would allow Thor to more easily travel between Earth and Asgard. He honestly had no clue how it worked, but apparently there was food and a big party happening after they fired it up for the first real run.

"There's a tiny chance that he'll be ripped to atomic shreds," Darcy had said as they were making lasagna one day. "But that chance is so slim it's almost nonexistent." Steve had almost cut his thumb off at that news. Darcy was ridiculously nonchalant about the whole thing, which was incredibly unnerving.

Steve finally found the lab he was looking for and walked through the automatic doors. His t-shirt was almost immediately drenched in sweat, as the temperature in the lab felt hot enough to melt human skin. "Cap! You made it! We had a pool going that you would totally get lost and not be able to find Foster's lab, and it looks like I won because I totally think you're smarter than you pretend to be," said Tony, a huge coffee mug in one hand as he waved what appeared to be a blowtorch around in the other hand.

"Uh, thanks Tony," he replied. Natasha rolled her eyes at him, and Steve grinned in return. The assassin's green eyes seemed to get caught somewhere around his lips, and he couldn't help but smirk. "So, why is it so damn hot in here? I feel like I'm back in the Vita Ray chamber."

Darcy and Natasha laughed out loud at that, and Bruce rolled his eyes and grinned. "It's the machine heating up. We're going to have to invest in a good coolant system for it if we're going to be using it longer than about fifteen minutes, which is about how long this should take," said Jane from her place at the keyboard. She had removed her lab coat and blouse and was currently wearing only her pencil skirt and tank top. A pencil was jabbed through a quick bun on the back of her head. Thor was decked out in his Asgardian armor, though his face was beet red.

"I would be very happy if we could get this performance on the street," said Thor, botching the phrase.

"The phrase is 'show on the road,' big guy," said Darcy, moving to tap a few keys on the actual machine. She, too, had shed all unnecessary clothing, though her tank top had been rolled up to expose her midriff. Steve glanced around at the rest of his friends, and, finding most of them in the least amount of clothing possible, grabbed the neck of his shirt and pulled it over his head. Before he emerged from the sweat-soaked material, he heard a low whistle from across the room. Pulling the soaked cotton away from himself fully, he saw Tony waving around a few singles.

"Take it _off_ , Rogers!" whistled Bucky from his place at Darcy's side. Steve threw the sweaty shirt at him in retaliation. "Ew."

"Wait, James, hand that to me. I could totally sell that online to some fangirls or something," said Darcy, making grabby hands at Bucky.

"No, because villains with cloning technology exist," reprimanded Natasha as Bruce swiped the shirt from Bucky.

Jane finally turned around and rubbed her hands together. "So, who's ready to send my boyfriend hurtling through space on a molecular level at very high speeds?" The grin that spread across her face was a bit disturbing, as was the cheer let out by Thor, Darcy, Erik, and Tony.

 **.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

The next day, Steve was heading towards the kitchen to see if Darcy had cooked anything for lunch. She was usually found there with a big pot of soup or a big bowl of fried chicken on the weekends, and Steve was pulling for fried chicken. Grandmama Lewis' recipe was the best he'd ever tasted. He rounded the corner, expecting to find Bucky and Darcy making out, but instead found Tony Stark staring dejectedly at the coffee maker.

"You okay there, Tony?" asked Steve, moving carefully. Last time someone had been looking at a coffee machine that intensely, he had ended up with a knife to his jugular.

Tony turned towards him and perked up. "Cap! Stevie! Steve-ooooo! You wanna help a friend out?" Tony was slightly slurring his words, and he seemed to be shaking all over.

"What can I do you for?" asked Steve, brow furrowing. Tony's eyes were dilated and had huge, bruise-like shadows beneath them.

Tony leaned against the counter and looked at Steve not quite focusing. "So here's the dealio. I've been up for quite a while, and I still have a lot of work to do. But Pepper, being the loving girlfriend she is, decided to disable all of the coffee machines in the tower, as well as alert all coffee shops in the country that they aren't allowed to serve me until further notice. So, if you could help a fella out and get me a nice, hot dark roast from Starbucks, that would be fabulous. A trenta would just about do it, I think. And, of course, get something for yourself and a date as well."

"Captain Rogers, Sir has not slept for six days, and I would highly advise against providing him with caffeine," said Jarvis from speakers in the wall.

Steve shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose as Tony started babbling off bribe offers. "You know, Stevie, I could totally get you and Romanoff reservations at that new restaurant in town. I've seen you making eyes at her."

"But you're also probably seeing bears dancing _Swan Lake_ , Tony," said Natasha's voice from the doorway. Steve's face heated up at the knowledge that Tony was _right_.

"They're warthogs reciting _Hamlet_ , thank you very much," said Tony, sticking his tongue out at the redheaded assassin. Steve rolled his eyes as Natasha stuck her tongue out in return.

"Come on, buddy," he said, scooping Tony up and tossing him over his shoulder. "Let's get you to bed."

 _A/N—Hello! Sorry this is taking me so long, but school's getting really busy. I'm still loving this idea, and I promise I won't stop! Let me know which Avenger you think I should do next! All my love-Rose_


	3. Chapter 3

_I do not own Marvel or anything that is familiar._

 **Steve**

Steve rolled over in his bed, pushing up against the soft, warm object next to him. He curled towards what he thought was his beautiful, Russian girlfriend, but her chuckle from across the room had his eyes flying open. He was confronted with a very cut, very _male_ chest, and, while Steve Rogers had no qualms about his sexuality, he was definitely not excited to wake up mostly naked next to his girlfriend's actually naked male best friend.

"What the fuck," yelped Steve, accidentally falling off the bed, pulling the covers with him.

Clint grumbled and rolled over, searching for the blankets that were mostly wrapped around Steve. "Gimme back the blankets, Steve," he growled. Steve quickly disentangled himself from the mess of fabric and threw it back onto the bed. Clint managed to wrap himself completely in the blankets before falling back to sleep.

"What the hell, Nat?" hissed Steve as he hunted for his pants and shirt. Nat was standing by the door grinning, a mug of coffee in her hands. She took a sip before Steve walked over and swiped it from her, taking a drink of the still-hot liquid.

Nat shrugged as she swiped her coffee mug back and headed out to the living room, "Close the door behind you. It should discourage him from walking around naked."

"What happened that I ended up in bed with him? Please tell me there was no sex involved," said Steve, shifting his weight slightly; there was no achy feeling telling him that he'd been fucked, but that didn't eliminate any possibilities.

Natasha raised a perfect red eyebrow, a few loose red curls falling from her braid. "I didn't know you were into guys, too. Good to know. Anyway, nothing happened that I was aware of. I actually spent a good portion of the night being crushed by both of you, so you two would have had to be really quiet and still," she replied, downing the last few sips of coffee. "Oh, you're out of coffee, by the way."

Steve ran a hand through his hair and looked down at Natasha, "Does this mean I'm going to be assaulted with a knife again? Because, if that's the case, I would really like to not be covered in egg this time." The corner of his mouth pulled up at the light dusting of a blush that stretched from her cheekbones to her neck.

She took another sip of her coffee, effectively draining the mug before her mouth curled up in what Steve and Darcy had not-so-secretly dubbed her 'Scary Smile'. "He doesn't have anywhere to keep the knives," she said, and Steve immediately dreaded what that meant. At that moment, the bedroom door could be heard opening.

"Coffee?" asked Clint, rubbing his eyes as he walked into the room. He was naked, and Steve shut his eyes tightly and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You said the door would make him put pants on," he grumbled as Clint padded around the apartment.

Natasha clicked her tongue and pressed her lips to Steve's jaw, "I said it would _discourage_ him, not stop him completely. Big difference." Steve opened his eyes and peered down at Natasha who was still holding her empty coffee mug.

"Please tell me he will put on pants soon," Steve muttered as Clint walked back into the room.

"No coffee, no pants," replied the archer, arms crossed over his chest. "Nat, why is there no coffee?"

The assassin shrugged a shoulder, her lips twisting into a grin, "It was either you parading your dick around or me knifing someone. Which is preferable?"

"The knife," replied Steve, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling. "I will always choose the knife."

Clint whined and pushed between Steve and Nat, wrapping himself around Steve's chest, jumping up so his legs were hooked around his waist. "Steeeeeeveeeee, I want coffee," he mumbled, pressing his face into Steve's neck. Steve looked around Clint's messy hair at Natasha, who was stifling giggles.

Steve shifted and felt Clint's dick rubbing up against his abs. "Oh, no fucking way. You are _not_ hard right now. Get the hell off me, Barton, before I throw you out onto the roof."

"But y're warm," Clint mumbled sleepily.

"Help me," Steve mouthed at Nat, trying to unwrap the archer's body from around him.

Natasha laughed and walked to the bedroom, emerging a few moments later in a pair of leggings and one of Steve's button downs. Her hair was thrown into a messy ponytail and she was pulling a pair of sneakers onto her feet. "I'll be back with coffee in about ten minutes," she said, swiping ten bucks from Steve's wallet. She leaned up and pecked her lips against Clint's cheek and Steve's neck. "Clint, if you get my boyfriend dirty, I expect you to clean him up." Clint untangled one hand from Steve to flip Nat the bird while Steve blushed and willed his dick to stay down. He wasn't afraid to admit that if it weren't for Nat, he totally would have slept with Clint last night, and her knowledge of that was both unnerving and entirely too attractive.

"Cuddle me," whined Clint as Nat walked out the door.

Steve rolled his eyes and pressed his lips fondly to the archer's hair. "Put boxers on, and we'll cuddle," he replied. Clint made a happy sound and dropped down to the floor. He returned moments later with his purple boxer briefs on and shoved Steve down onto the couch before curling up almost on top of him.

 _A/N: I live for bisexual Steve, okay? Especially bisexual Steve in a situation where Nat would totally be okay with a threesome. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Next up is Bucky, which will probably be followed by Jane and Darcy. I live for the feedback here; I don't want to keep writing these if you're not enjoying them, so tell me what you want to read! All of my love- Rose_


	4. Chapter 4

_I do not own Marvel or anything familiar._

 **Steve**

Steve made his way to the main kitchen, hoping that Darcy honored her tradition of making a huge batch of waffles, pancakes, and stuffed French toast on Wednesdays simply because Wednesday was a terrible day of the week to be a pessimist, which she, Bucky, Bruce, Tony, and Clint were. He turned the corner to find Darcy chatting amicably with Pepper, who was chopping up strawberries and mixing whipped cream at the same time.

"Hey Steve-o! What's the word?" asked Darcy, passing him a large mug of tea as he came up next to them.

He took a sip and smiled at his best friend's girl, shrugging his shoulders. "Eh. You seen Nat this morning?" His redheaded girlfriend had gotten up early to go train with Clint, and he hadn't seen her since.

"She should be here soon, considering breakfast is going to be done in about five, four three, two, one," Darcy replied, pulling the last few pancakes from the pan. She looked up at the ceiling and said, "Hey, Jarv? Can you send out the breakfast call?"

"Of course, Darcy," replied the AI, pausing a moment before beginning to blast "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson.

Darcy grinned as she waved her spatula in Steve and Pepper's direction, "It works because I made banana pancakes today, too." Steve and Pepper grinned at each other as the rest of the residents of the Tower started to file in and pile up plates of food. Steve was settling on the couch in the living area with his immense plate of various breakfast foods when Bucky, obviously still half-asleep stumbled into the room.

"утро," he said, running hands through his hair. He walked into the kitchen after pecking a fondly exasperated Darcy on the forehead. There was a pitiful sound from inside the kitchen before the ex-assassin walked back out into the living area, his eyes wide and confused. "Почему нет ли больше кофе?"

"Потому как," began Natasha, "ты слишком громко, когда вы занимаетесь сексом, и она держала меня допоздна." Bucky's mouth opened and closed in disbelief before he stormed back into the kitchen.

"What is happening?" asked Bruce, looking around at all of the confused faces.

Darcy shook her head fondly, cheeks tinted very red. "He doesn't always remember to speak English before he's had coffee. And sorry, Nat. I fully acknowledge that I am the louder one, and am sorry for keeping you awake." Steve raised a brow at his girlfriend, who was smirking fondly at Darcy.

"I mostly just want to fuck with him," replied Nat. "But, in the future, I'm a light sleeper, and fucking against the wall in Steve's kitchen adjacent to mine is not your best choice if you want to be sneaky." Steve began to gape like a fish before looking over at Darcy, who was appropriately blushing.

"His idea, not mine," she said, holding her hands up. "We were also drunk, in my defense."

"Darcy?" came Bucky's pitiful-sounding voice from the other room. "Coffee?"

"I believe we are out, Sergeant Barnes," replied Jarvis before Darcy got the chance. A high-pitched whining noise came from the kitchen, and Darcy and Steve looked at each other before getting up to see what was happening. Darcy pushed Steve behind her before poking her head around the corner.

"What the hell are you doing, James?" she just about screeched. Steve looked around the corner and burst out laughing. Bucky was currently on top of the fridge, all of Darcy's baking pans, mixing bowls, and measuring cups and spoons piled behind him. He was holding a slingshot and had a bag of dried pinto beans next to him. There was suddenly a smattering of small stinging patches on Steve's face, and he ducked behind Darcy.

"What the hell, Buck?" he laughed again, daring to poke his head out from behind Darcy and whip the pinto beans back at him. Bucky caught all of them and glowered at Steve and Darcy.

"What's happening?" called Pepper, and Darcy moved from in front of Steve to go look in on Pepper.

"He's on top of the fridge again," she said. "I thought he had grown out of this phase, but apparently not."

Steve ducked down behind a counter as Bucky decided to start launching bags of frozen vegetables he was pulling out of the freezer below him. "What the hell!? That actually hurt, jerk!"

"Get me coffee, punk," growled Bucky. He produced knives from somewhere in his pajama pants and began to systematically carve things into the wood of the cabinets next to him. In Russian.

"JAMES BUCHANNAN BARNES, STOP CARVING THINGS INTO MY CABINETS THIS FUCKING INSTANT!" yelled Darcy, walking back into the kitchen with everyone in tow.

"Barnes, you're paying for that," said Tony, flinching as he got hit with a well-aimed pinto bean.

Clint rolled his eyes and started doing the dishes, "You Russians are fucking weird as hell without your coffee." Natasha just smirked as she read over what Bucky was carving.

"The kitchen is technically a family room, Barnes. Keep it PG," she said, curling into Steve's side as he stood up.

"What's he carving?" whispered Steve as Darcy continued to yell and Pepper, Bruce, and Sam tried to get Bucky to come down.

"They're insults. Against all of us. My personal favorite is, 'Steve Rogers is fucking whipped for Nat's strap on,'" she said, grinning. Steve paled at that, pressing his face into Nat's hair.

"Well shit," he mumbled.

 _A/N- I have no clue. Bucky's kind of a pathetic baby and a dick at the same time. They really need to keep more coffee on hand, don't they? Darcy's next, I think! I hope you all enjoy this rollercoaster of weird. All my love-Rose_

"Утро"-"Morning."  
"Почему нет ли больше кофе?"-"Why is there no more coffee?"  
"Потому как…ты слишком громко, когда вы занимаетесь сексом, и она держала меня допоздна." – "Because…you're too loud when you have sex, and you kept me up late."


	5. Chapter 5

_I own nothing. Sadly._

 **Steve**

Steve groaned as he left the gym, rolling his shoulder. He had landed badly on it while sparring with Nat, and had continued to go four more rounds after that. He was going to regret it for a couple hours, but he was fairly sure it would be healed before dinner. He pressed the button for the elevator, running a hand through his sweaty hair. His phone began to ring, and he dug it out of his bag before he answered it blindly as the elevator doors opened.

"'ello?" he said, punching the button for his floor as he slouched against the back wall.

"Hey, Steve, you're muscley and good at finding people and scientist wrangling, right?" came Darcy's voice. It was strained, and Steve's brow furrowed.

"What's up, Darce? Something wrong?" he asked, standing up straighter, gripping the strap on his gym bag tighter. He pressed the override button on the elevator, which ground to a halt. "Where are you?"

"Just come to the lab," she said. "I promise nobody's bleeding." There was a crashing noise and Darcy groaned. "But that could change soon."

Steve punched in the lab's floor and rolled and popped his joints while he waited for the doors to open. He wanted to be prepared for anything. The doors opened and he barreled down the hallway to the lab, skidding to a stop in the doorway. Darcy was seated in the middle of the floor, pouting. She was covered in some sort of goo and Steve had to stifle a laugh at her expense.

"What happened?" he asked, grabbing the spare towel out of his gym bag and tossing it to her. She grunted her thanks as she wiped the purple-ish goop off of her face.

"Jane's not allowed to have tons of coffee anymore, and she's not handling it well," Darcy replied. "Do you have a spare shirt in there, by any chance? And a hair band?" Steve dug around, managing to produce one of Nat's hair ties and a clean Yankee's shirt. "Thanks."

Steve turned his back to Darcy as she wiped as much goo out of her hair as possible before moving to change her shirt. "Why isn't she allowed to have coffee? Also, what is that stuff?" asked Steve, peeking over his shoulder to see that Darcy was done changing, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy, goopy bun.

"Her physician wanted her to cut back, wants her to actually _sleep_ more often. It took a solid week to convince her that catnaps after she and Thor were rolling around for three hours wasn't what her doctor meant," grumbled Darcy. "And this is inter-dimensional lube, basically. It makes larger objects travel faster through the dimensional portals we've been refining." Steve raised an eyebrow, chuckling as Darcy stuck her tongue out at him. "I know what you're thinking, and stop it. Itkeeps certain dimensions from rejecting foreign materials." Darcy paused as she ran her fingers through her hair. "I realize how all of this sounds. It's not safe for sex, by the way."

"Okay, okay," he laughed. "Now, what's next?"

"You help me find a tiny, vengeful scientist," she said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She pressed a button and held it to her ear. "Pep, we've got a Code Columbia." She said. Steve let out a snort at the code name, only avoiding full-on laughter because Darcy had the balled-up towel covered in the purple goop aimed at his head. "Yeah, Janey's on the hunt. Thanks, hon."

"Code Columbia?" asked Steve, still grinning. Darcy's blue eyes were tired, and she glared up at him.

"I know where we keep the space lube, and I will not hesitate to dump it on you," she growled. "We have to go find my best friend now. She's officially not allowed to buy coffee anywhere, but Thor is our flight risk." Steve nodded, shouldering his bag again and shooting a text to Nat to keep an eye out for Jane. They began to walk down the hall, Darcy peering into other labs and closets.

"Bruce! Have you seen Jane?" she said into the intercom that was hooked up to his door. He was apparently working with heavy radiation, according to the notice outside his lab.

"No, sorry," he said back, a video screen coming to life. He looked like he hadn't slept much in the past few days, ad Darcy frowned.

"You're in decontamination by six this evening," she said. "Otherwise I'm coming in after you."

"Yes ma'am. Hi, Steve. Good luck finding Jane!" he said, smiling at them. The screen went black, and Darcy rolled her eyes.

"He won't listen," she offered, and Steve agreed with a shake of his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but Darcy's hand was slamming over his mouth, and she was looking up at the ceiling suspiciously. "Damn, she's in the fucking vents."

"What the hell? Isn't that Clint's thing?" asked Steve, brow furrowing as he listened, catching small clangs and shuffling noises from the duct system.

Darcy shrugged, "Caffeine apparently suppresses Jane's natural spy instincts. Also, she and Clint play drunk tag up there sometimes." She moved down the hallway, locating the nearest vent opening, and, sure enough, the screws were loosened. "She's probably heading towards the kitchens. J, can you direct her there?"

"Of course, Darcy," replied the AI.

"JANE, COME OUT OF THE VENTS THIS INSTANT!" yelled Darcy into the vent.

"NO!" came Jane's reply, moving further away.

"Okay, you're going to get to the kitchen and intercept her there. I'm going to follow her and make sure she doesn't try to change course," hissed Darcy, and Steve nodded, turning and sprinting for the stairs. "JANE, GET DOWN HERE NOW!" roared Darcy, running after the louder clanging noises that must have been Jane beginning to climb to the next floor.

 **.** **~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

Steve was reclining against the counter in the kitchen, eyes locked on the duct grating over the island. There was a loud rattling noise from a few feet away, and Steve quickly moved, looking like he was distracted by the large cupcakes he had found on the counter when he walked in. (He didn't have to try hard.) The vent opened, and Jane suddenly dropped out of it, bare feet landing on the counter. Her light brown hair was falling out of its braid, and her eyes were sharp, grabbing all of the details out of the room.

"Hey there, Jane," he said, waving. She bared her teeth and growled.

"Do you know where Darcy is?" she asked, her voice low and dangerous-sounding.

"Uh, not really. What's up?"

"No reason. Hey, is there coffee?" Jane suddenly relaxed her posture and hopped off the counter. "I smell it, so someone had to have made some recently."

Steve cleared his throat and positioned himself in front of the coffee maker. "I-I don't think it's a good idea for you to have coffee, Doc. Doctor's orders, yeah?"

Jane's eyes narrowed and suddenly there was a knife in her hand. Steve's eyes bugged out as he pressed further back against the counter. "You've been talking to Darcy, huh?"

"Uh, no, no. Just something I heard. Maybe it was Nat who can't have coffee. Maybe I'm just tired and getting things mixed up," he offered. Jane spun the knife through her fingers, and it was obvious that Nat had been teaching her.

"See, I think you're lying," she said, moving a step closer.

"Jane, put the knife down!" called Darcy from the doorway. Jane turned and hurled the knife at her. It clanged off of Bucky's arm. "No coffee! Go to bed!"

"NO!" yelled Jane, crossing her arms and huffing. Steve took the moment of distraction and got his arms around her. She struggled for a moment, but then he began to hum a lullaby in her ear, and she started to drift off, more exhausted than she was letting on.

"Oh, thank God," sighed Darcy, slumping against her boyfriend. "Can you put her on the couch? We'll get her into a real bed later." Steve shifted, scooping Jane up securely into his arms. She snuggled into his chest as he walked her into the living room. He set her on the large sectional, and she curled up into the back of it as he draped an afghan over her.

"Sorry, Steve," she mumbled, as she slipped deeper into sleep. Steve ruffled her hair and went back to the kitchen.

"Why is Jane a ninja?" he asked as he walked into the kitchen, glancing down at his phone. He got no response, so he looked up, only to be greeted by the sight of Darcy and Bucky trying to devour each other's faces. "Not in the goddamn kitchen," he groaned, turning to bang his head against the doorframe. He stopped when his forehead encountered a soft hand. Nat was smiling up at him.

"You guys find Jane?" she asked, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Yeah," groaned Steve, resting his head in Nat's hair, his arms going around her. "What is it with you ladies and threatening me with knives when you don't have coffee?" Nat laughed as he grumbled further into her hair.

 _A/N—I am so sorry, guys! School's been hella busy this semester. I'm going to try and post a chapter a week, and also finish up a few one-shots I've been working on and post those, too. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Up next: Darcy! Then probably Sam or Pepper. All my love-Rose_


	6. Chapter 6

_I own nothing. Still._

 **Steve**

There was a loud thump near his head, and Steve's eyes flew open. He found that his vision was obscured by Natasha's hair, which was fanned out across his face. He quietly spat it out of his mouth and tried to sit up, only to find Clint and Bucky also wrapped around him. He glanced around as best he could, with Natasha sprawled mostly across his torso and face, her nose buried right behind his ear. Clint mumbled in his sleep and shifted to wrap his arms tighter around Steve's waist, mostly dislodging Bucky in the process.

"Well doesn't this look like fun," came a whispered voice from Steve's left. He snapped his head around, almost pushing Natasha away, and Tony was seated on the couch with three mugs of coffee next to him.

"Why the fuck are we on the living room floor?" hissed Steve, trying to untangle his girlfriend from his neck before attempting to wake her. He wanted to survive this morning, thank you very much.

"Thor brought back some of his ever-amazing Asgardian booze, and we all got trashed on vodka and tequila shots while you, Barnes, and Thor shotgunned maybe twelve of whatever that stuff was," replied Tony, finally reaching down to tug at Clint's ear. The archer batted at his hand and rolled in closer to Steve. Steve rolled his eyes and began to card his fingers through Clint's hair, his short nails scraping at his scalp. Clint yawned and slit his eyes open happily.

"Morning, Stevie," he mumbled. "Coffee?" Tony held out a mug for the archer, who took it gratefully and sipped at it. "What did we do last night that I feel like Colossus and Logan used me as a sparring dummy?"

"Lots of shots," came Nat's husky morning voice. "Sugar?" Her hands were held out expectantly for her coffee mug, and Tony rolled his eyes before handing Natasha a mug printed with Steve's shield. She took a sip before making a happy noise and snuggling into Steve's side, with Clint curling up almost in his lap.

"Let's let Buck sleep a bit more," said Steve, untangling himself from his girlfriend and their – well, he wasn't really sure what Clint was anymore. They really needed to talk about that soon. He managed to get Bucky off the ground and into some sort of fireman's carry without waking him, and he quickly headed toward the elevator that would take him to Bucky's apartment, where he would hopefully find Darcy.

Bucky began to mumble and stir, and Steve calmed him back to sleep by rubbing his palm gently over whatever part of Bucky's back he could reach and humming. "C'mon buddy, let's let you sleep this off," he grunted quietly to himself as he managed to get his friend in the door of his place and into his bedroom. Which was devoid of Darcy. Huh. He shrugged, brushed Bucky's hair out of his eyes, and closed the door on his way out.

He made his way back up to the living room, where Clint and Natasha had moved to the couch, curled up together under a blanket with a movie playing softly on the TV. "Get Bucky into bed alright?" asked Nat, looking up at him as he squeezed his way in between the two spies.

"Yeah, he slept like a rock," replied Steve as Clint tried to burrow his way into his side. Natasha maneuvered so that she could slip her legs over Steve's lap and her toes underneath Clint's thigh, leaning her head against Steve's shoulder. "Darcy wasn't there, though. I wonder where she got off to." Natasha hummed quietly as Clint dozed off in the circle of Steve's arm.

 **.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

Clint had dozed off again and was drooling on Steve's stomach, while Natasha had managed to wrangle one of the many cats that roamed around the tower into her lap to snuggle as she and Steve channel surfed and discussed the various reality TV shows they came across.

"Steve, you have to admit that Fixer Upper is the perfect show. Chip and Joanna are this incredible power couple, and their use of shiplap is incredibly perfect," she said, frowning at him over the cat she was nuzzling.

"Yeah, but Income Property is just so much more practical. Like, he's helping these people fix up a spare apartment so they have a source of income," argued Steve, kissing the top of her head. She opened her mouth, about to argue back, when Steve's phone started buzzing. He shifted carefully to pull it out of his pocket and checked the number. "What's the problem, Couslon?" he asked, frowning.

"Captain, I know it's your day off, but we've got a situation here. I wouldn't have called if it wasn't something only you could handle," he said, his voice strained.

"I'll be there in ten," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He hung up the phone and nudged Clint until he moved. "I'll be back in a bit. Coulson's got an emergency, and apparently nobody else could deal with this one."

Natasha pulled herself up to his face and gave him a kiss. Clint mumbled sleepily and curled into Natasha. Steve grinned and leaned down to press a kiss to the top of his head after he stood up. "Come back in one piece, Spangles," the archer murmured into Natasha's thigh as she played with his hair.

"Will do," he laughed as he walked away from the two spies curled up on the couch.

 **.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

Steve walked through the door into SHIELD headquarters and found everyone on high alert. He was wearing a lower-key, more tactical version of his uniform, with his shield strapped to his back and a gun on this thigh.

"Thank God. Cap, you need to stop her," said a hysterical woman, throwing herself towards him.

Steve quietly disentangled her from around him and set her off to the side. "I will do my best, ma'am," he promised, making his way to where Coulson seemed to have set up a tactical station.

"Steve, thank God you're here," said Coulson. "She's on a rampage! We don't know what triggered it, but Darcy Lewis has gone _rogue_." Steve blinked rapidly, convinced that he had misheard Coulson.

"Can you… run that by me again?" asked Steve, brow furrowing.

"I always knew she'd go rogue one day," said Fury as he swept past the two of them. "She's holed up in my office, believe it or not. _And_ she has managed to get the unlock codes for the armory."

Steve's eyebrows shot up. "Will someone please tell me what the _fuck_ is going on?"

"Today at approximately oh-four hundred, Darcy Lewis walked into SHEILD headquarters, eyes bloodshot, yelling about coffee. When she couldn't find any, she proceeded to seize control and terrorize the entire building," said Coulson.

Steve's eyebrows shot up. "Why is there no coffee in an _office building_?"

Coulson shrugged, "No idea. But _make her stop_." Steve shrugged and handed his gun to Coulson before heading towards the elevator. He pressed the button for the floor with Fury's office before leaning against the elevator wall. There was a creeping feeling along his spine as he watched the numbers go up. Suddenly, something occurred to him. He pressed the emergency stop on the elevator before heading back downstairs.

"Was there a problem, Captain Rogers?" asked a man operating a computer. His cap was pulled low over his face and he was wearing gloves.

"No, no. I just had a thought. Coulson! Run out and get a venti mocha latte with a double shot, caramel drizzle, and extra whip. And a muffin. Double chocolate."

"On it?" the agent asked, his suit ruffled and his hair in a disarray. Steve nodded and headed back to the elevator.

He stopped outside Fury's office and slowly pushed the door open. Darcy was curled up in Fury's desk chair, cradling her head in her hands.

"Hey Darce, how are you?" asked Steve, his voice low.

Darcy squirmed in the chair, uncovering her eyes to peer at Steve. "They actually called you in? Well hot damn, Steve-o. I feel like shit and there is no fucking coffee in the tower or in this building."

Steve's brow furrowed and he moved over to stroke Darcy's hair back from her face. "You sure you looked hard enough back home? Because Tony had made coffee by the time I woke up."

Darcy's head shot up and her eyes widened. "Fucking Wilson. It has to be him. The goddamn troll is stealing our fucking coffee!"

"Huh?"

"Wade Wilson. He works with SHIELD every so often, and I'm his handler when he does. Huge troll, multiple personalities, and a healing factor that surpasses even Wolverine," she said, leaning into Steve as he began to massage her temples to try and help with the caffeine headache she had to have been nursing. "The fuck must have heard me mention how much coffee we go through in a week and decided to prank the shit out of us. It's good, I'll give him that."

"I'll keep an eye out for him on security tapes and have Tony up security if you'd like," offered Steve as Coulson came in with the huge Starbucks cup in hand.

"Bossman! You're the best!" gushed Darcy, launching herself over the desk at him. Coulson grinned a bit shakily as Darcy began to happily drink the hot coffee. She turned back to Steve and said, "Let's go home now. I want to curl up with my man." Steve just rolled his eyes and grabbed her coat off of the coatrack by the door on his way out.

 _A/N- Hello lovelies! I had a lot of fun with this chapter, especially the Clint/Steve/Nat cuddles. It sort of just happened, and I'm not sure I'm going to really address it again in any formal capacity. I sort of like the ambiguity of it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next chapter might take awhile, as I have a few papers and such due in the next few weeks, but I'll try! All my love- Rose_


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